


Confliction of Self

by Aespren



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Plans For The Future, Post Chapter 50, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Denial, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-18
Updated: 2014-01-18
Packaged: 2018-01-09 04:46:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1141611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aespren/pseuds/Aespren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It had been less than a week since the their first mission outside the walls, but already there had been enough fighting to last the new troops a life time. With this experience comes the feeling of change, and the criticism of the past self, which leads to talks of insecurities, faults, and ambitions. Jean, who had thought he was over doubting his self, confronts Armin in hopes of laying down his insecurities and  getting past them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confliction of Self

**Author's Note:**

> I told myself I wasn't going to repost any of my stories when I joined Ao3, but this is to date my proudest work so I couldn't resist. Sorry to those that have seen it before. I wrote this prior to the release of chapter 51, and it was a story of my hopes of how their relationship would come to develop. Sadly, we never did get any mentions of the previous chapter between the two.

Not even a week had passed since the occurrence of the first survey corps expedition that the 104th Trainee Corps had participated in; not even a week, yet the amount of danger he had experienced was enough to last him over a life time.

During that time, the number of troops that had been lost had reached an all time high. There had not been a death toll within the military this extreme since that one scouting mission, over five years ago, on the day that had changed everything. This, plus the growing amount of opposing threats that kept rattling their country, meant there was a severe lack of soldiers in all three military fields.

Thankfully, despite all of this negativity, it was leading to good results. The recruitment rate for new soldiers had nearly doubled since the year Armin had joined; and Keith plus the other unit trainers had said the amount of trainees aiming to join the survey corps had also dramatically increased. However, until they actually graduated almost a year from now, there was no way of knowing if any of this was true or not.

Despite all this uncertainty, there was one change it was bringing about: a sense of hope.

However, on this current day, even that feeling was faint. It had only been five days since the survey corps had led an expedition outside the wall and encountered the female titan. Then the following day had been her capture, followed by a titan invasion the next day, and finally the appearance of the colossal and armoured titan the day after. The total cost of all these attacks amounted to an injury count higher than the medical staff could handle.

Thus, Armin now stood on the top of Wall Rose, keeping watch over the territory that had once been in their lands. The military had doubled the amount of troops on top of all walls in case of an attack, and the amount of Garrison soldiers patrolling the cities had risen by about 50% as well.

The quickly darkening night meant that soon a majority of soldiers would be allowed to go home, as the threat of titans attacking during the night time was still believed to be less likely. However, ever since the events of a few nights ago, many were still on edge. Even those that had not been a part of the search still felt the fear that radiated off the others. Many did not even know the detail of the real threats to humanity; those were currently restricted to select survey corps members.

So, for the time being, the survey corps members were also being assigned to keep an eye on the walls. After all, they recognized the enemy better than any of the other soldiers. The truth about the identity of the attackers still had not been revealed to the public, or even to most of the military. The survey corps soldiers that were not on look out were either on standby, in interrogation, or lying in the infirmary. This included Commander Erwin Smith, the one man who could properly explain all of this. Along with him was everyone else that mattered to Armin: Mikasa, Jean, Hange, and Eren. Though, the only reason why his best friend was there was to keep an eye on Mikasa.

Armin gazed across the dimly lit land. In the distance, a lone titan could be seen running across the fields. A sigh escaped his lips as he reflected on his own thoughts. It wasn't completely true... Not everyone he had cared about was in the hospital. Reiner and Bertolt were no longer on his side, but somehow he still felt like it was wrong to not include them in with 'everyone.'

The blond turned as a person stepped into sight beside him. His clothes were not that of any military unit, so it was questionable how he had managed to get up here. They looked like they had been white at one point, but like many things now-a-days, they had become dirty over time. Armin noticed bandages barely sticking up from underneath one of the baggy sleeves, and upon looking up, noticed they went around his neck and forehead too.

"Jean?"

"Hey Armin." The words were soft; more akin to how one would voice a farewell than a greeting. It was like seeing a different side of Jean at the moment, which wasn't surprising considering the circumstances. It seemed like everyone was a different person than they were just a few days back, even him.

"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be getting treatment at the infirmary?"

"I did."

"Well, don't take this the wrong way, but you seriously look like you need more." The bandages around his neck looked like they had been changed recently, but there was still evidence that the wound lying beneath was not completely healed. Pink specks were barely visible in the current lighting, and Armin wondered if he would be able to see more if the light allowed. Either way, Jean looked like he was supposed to be going into a hospital, not coming out of one.

"I'll pretend that's just your way of saying you hope I get better soon, and not your way of saying that I look like crap."

"It's a bit of both, to be honest."

"Mind if we sit down?" Jean was already off his legs before Armin could reply.

"Suit yourself. You know they've only assigned us to this duty because Erwin isn't in condition to give orders right now."

It was apparent to the on-guard soldier that Jean was alike to Erwin at the current moment. He wasn't in proper condition to be on top of the walls, where an attack could appear at any moment. Civilians weren't even allowed on top of the walls except with special permission, and since Jean wasn't on shift or in uniform, he could only wonder if he was supposed to count him as one.

"Jean, how did you even get up here? I'm surprised they let you out of the hospital, let alone in a military-run area in your shape."

"I got Hange to let me up."

"Wait, Squad Leader Hange's out of the infirmary too?"

Jean smiled at this question. It the was the face of a kid that had obtained juicy gossip that they could hold above other's heads. Or, in Jean's case, it was also just the face he used when he wanted to tick Eren off. "Oh yeah, you should have been there Armin. She'd apparently been screaming for the last two days ever since they put her in there. I could hear her over two wards away. She's been yelling that she has work to do and that she won't stop until she's able to do it. They still refused to let her go though, so Moblit went and grabbed a bunch of stuff from her study and brought it over. Then he stayed practically the entire time and wrote down everything she said. I guarantee you he wrote everything, I could hear Hange yelling that he missed recording down when she had sneezed."

Armin chuckled, knowing full that Jean was telling the truth. Talking to Hange one on one was a difficult task for just about anyone, but he could only imagine what being her personal assistant would be like.

"And let me tell you, she does not shut up."

"Yeah, I've heard about it before." Hange's speeches (and pretty much everything about her) had become infamous among the survey corps (and even some of the other divisions, to a small extent). Armin still had yet to experience one of these first hand though, and truthfully, he felt like he was missing out. Eren said that she had talked about her titan research for an entire night, and while he had also said that nothing useful was said, Armin couldn't help but dream of discussing origin theories with a person knowledgable enough to make intellectual theories.

"Finally they let her out because she was driving everyone crazy, including the med. staff, and even threatened to have one of her squads come and save her in the night. The doctors complied due to fear that she would actually do it and they would be left with even less beds for the wounded than they do now."

"That's actually why I'm out too. There's so many wounded, more than I've ever seen in one location. So many civilians too, and not enough people to treat them. It's bad in there." Jean let out an uncharacteristic sigh, and stared out over the horizon. "That's actually why I'm here. My injuries aren't that bad anymore, so they said I'm free to go as long as I take it easy."

"You're here because you thought taking a watch shift would be easy? I know it doesn't involve doing much, but that still sounds like a pretty lousy way to heal. Your body needs sleep, not eye strain."

"No, I'm not here because of the shift. I'm here because I wanted to see you."

Armin's mind slipped off of his task at hand, and he found himself staring down at the guy sitting beside him. Jean had never exactly been one to think over stuff before talking (or at least that's how Armin viewed it), so it wasn't unsual for him to be left wondering what Jean meant, as what was said often made little sense to him.

"I need to tell you what I'm feeling."

"Jean...?" Then sometimes he was left wondering if what Jean was saying even made sense to himself...

"You remember how I said that I'd always thought you had it in you?"

"You mean right after you said my friendship with Eren was creepy?"

"Yeah, exactly. Well... that wasn't exactly true." Armin took little offense to the statement. People had doubted him practically his entire life, but he had learned to just push on ahead. There was no purpose in taking the words of other's to heart, unless they were willing to do the same to your's.

"I've actually doubted you a lot in the past. I've doubted you on practically everything until I actually saw you do it, but you just keep surprising me."

"Surprising? That's not a common word people use to describe me. Actually, I don't think people have ever called me that."

"Well, maybe that's because others held the right amount of faith in you. Everything I ever thought about you was wrong."

"Huh?" Where was he even going with this? How did this relate back to what he had said, about the reason why he was here? He had been talking about his injuries and stated that was his reason for being here, then said he was here because of him. Then he said he needed to tell him what he was feeling. While Armin did not consider himself to be a genius, he did still pride himself on his intellect, especially when it came to the analysis of others. His strategetic plans may not have always resulted in success, but one thing he'd almost always been able to rely on was his ability to empathize and understand others, and act accordingly. Jean though... it was like reading another language. His words and actions never seemed to follow a sequential order, and Armin was currently seriously wondering if his brain was actually like that too, or if he just had a hard time conveying his thoughts.

"At first I thought you were just some creepy kid that hung around Eren, but then you managed to save our lives against the female titan. Then when you told Erwin that you knew who she was and Erwin went along with it; I thought you both were crazy. Then you, one of the only living members of the 104th trainee squad that has yet to kill a titan, managed to be the one to save Eren. I wasn't able to see what was going on during the first, but I heard the story from Erwin in the infirmary. He said it was your quick thinking that allowed him to strike at the enemy."

Jean had never been particularly close to Bertolt, but it was evident that he was bothered by the current situation. Never did he refer to them as "the enemy," nor did anyone that Armin had ever talked to. The titans were almost always referred to by name, as if to constantly remind humanity that they were a threat. However, their enemy had rarely before been human, let alone one they had known.

"I also heard something else in the infirmary. They told me you were the one that saved my life. That's why I'm here. Because if it wasn't for you, I probably wouldn't even be in the infirmary at all. I'd be out there still, in some titan's stomach."

"I was just doing what I had to."

"No, you weren't. Your duty as a soldier is to kill titans and that's it. We were taught that if a comrade is a liability on the battle field, we need to leave them behind. Yet you still tried to save me."

He had known during the battle that what he was doing was pointless. He had never even killed a titan, but he still knew that kneeling on the ground and pointing a sword at it as if it could actually feel threatened was a useless endeavour that would end in both of their deaths. Yet, during that moment he had felt like it was the only thing he could do. Even though he wanted to make great changes in the world, he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he were to watch someone he cared about die in front of him while he did nothing. He had already let it happen once with Eren, but by whatever force had come to aid that day, everything had been fixed. So he knew that time, that he would have rather died with Jean than be idle. "I wouldn't have been able to live with myself otherwise."

"Yeah, I know... but I probably would have." Jean made a grunt and hit his head into his hands, letting his frustration take over. "That day, when you got injured after we first encountered the female titan with Reiner and we only had one horse... I was happy when you said you'd stay behind."

"Jean, that's natural. The fact that I said I would stay behind meant you'd get to go on farther, of course you'd be happy!"

"No, Armin. I wasn't thinking like that. At first I considered the possibility of which one of us to leave behind, and even though I hated it, in the end the most logical choice was you. You were weak, lower rank, and injured. That was all I cared about back then; the number we were assigned and the number of titans we were able to kill. Even then I was still an idiot. I thought I had changed, but there was still so much that I was still a moron about. I honestly thought it made more sense for Reiner and I to take the horse and leave you behind. I thought it made more god damn sense to choose a titan over you."

"You didn't know. None of us knew at the time. I was the one that figured out Eren's coordinates and straight out told Reiner where he was. If it wasn't for me, a lot of people might not have died. But you can't let that get to you. You were only making decisions on what was the most logical at the moment. At that time, it was natural to have thought the way you did."

"Not for you. You chose to sacrifice yourself, while the two of us were trying to decide who to get rid of. Then just two days ago you tried to protect me, even at the risk of your own life. When I had thought to abandon you, you had still been fully concious, able to walk, and only suffering from a minor head injury - and you were even able to read the situation with Annie regardless. There weren't even any titans in sight after she ran off. Yet I still thought it was best to abandon you there. Then in the last battle I got hit, and was completely unconcious and bleeding and you probably didn't even know how badly hurt I was, and we were surrounded by titans and you still tried to save me!"

Jean took a breathy gasp. He had spoken the last part entirely in one go. He wasn't even facing Armin now, and instead had taken to grasping his own arm as he clenched his eyes. His voice had been unstable, as if shaking with the movements of his body. The boy had only seen Jean like this a few times prior. The first time had been the burning of the dead bodies, after they had lost many of their comrades. The second time had been during Eren's moment of weakness during their fight with the Female Titan. "I was wrong about you Armin. You're not only a better soldier than I ever imagined, you're a better soldier than I ever could be."

"Jean, you need to calm down." Armin got down onto his knees, shifting his hands onto his comrade's shoulders as he did so. He had never considered himself to be skilled in comforting people. He cried more than anyone he knew, and it was a rare opportunity when he was left being the shoulder to cry on. Eren rarely expressed sadness without concurrently experiencing anger, leaving Mikasa and himself to try to calm him down rather than comfort him. Then Mikasa was like an unshakable tree when it came to emotions. Therefore, whenever it came to others needing help, Armin was left feeling lost. However, at the moment, he wanted to stop Jean's belittlement of himself; not just because he felt what was being said was untrue, but also because at the moment he was concerned about the toll it would have on his body.

Armin changed his sitting position, shifting his knees out from under his body so he was now sitting on the wall. He placed his legs in front of him and wrapped his hands, which were now free from Jean's body, around them. It was the same way he had been sitting just a few days ago, when Eren had been lying injured, in bed. He was never sure of what to do in situations like this, besides hope that the person could handle it himself. Perhaps though, even without knowing how to comfort, he could still help.

"Jean, can I tell you a personal opinion?" He didn't wait for a reply before continuing. "When you first said you were going to join the survey corps, I thought you were lost."

"Huh?" Jean looked up at the speaker, a look of obvious confusion on his face. Armin may not be able to read his mind, but his face was easy enough at least.

"You joined on a spur of the moment, without fully thinking it through. I doubted your decision, and thought that you would regret it later. And while I didn't think I'd survive that first mission, I honestly didn't think you were going to last long either."

"Are you being serious? I'm not one of the best in the class for nothing."

"Yes, but you were some inner wall kid that only wanted to get to the inner city to become fat. I thought even I'd kill a real titan before you did."

"What the hell? You hit your head again or something?"

"Well, I didn't think you'd ever actually go outside the walls anyway. I figured you'd back out before we even made it through the gate."

"There's no way that'd ever happen. You're just as much of a coward as I am."

"Perhaps. I mean, I'd probably do the same as you in a lot of situations. To be honest, if I had to choose to save myself and either you or Reiner, I would have chosen Reiner too."

Jean was about to speak again, but he paused mid-way. Suddenly, his facial expression changed, a sign that he had likely just figured out the joke. "You're an asshole, you know that?" His voice carried a definite sense of indignation, yet a cocky smile graced his lips regardless. Ah, Jean... It seemed it was still possible to override his self-pity with his huge ego; it was a trait that only he could manage to pull off and still have friends. There was no way a guy like him could ever truly have low self-esteem.

"So can we go back to being equals now?"

"Equals?"

"Yeah, you said I was a better soldier because I saved you, but I would have left you for dead if the situation called for it. So really we're the same."

The grin disappeared off of Jean's face, replaced by straight lips and a raised eyebrow. "Wait, you were being serious about that?"

A laugh burst out of Armin's mouth like crackles from a fire; bold and unpredictable. It was the first time he had felt actual elation from something since he had been in the trainee corps. Most times when Armin was unable to know what someone was thinking he found it to be unnerving, however Jean... Jean was special. The amount of miscommunication between them, from both sides, was enough to make one go crazy, but it also meant they could say so much more without worry. At the very least, it proved to be enjoyable.

"You sure you're alright, man? Maybe you should be the one going to the infirmary."

"I'm fine. I'm great, actually."

Whether Jean had clued in or not was still unknown to Armin, but at the very least he didn't seem to be in a state of self-frustration.

"So, you still think I'm lost?"

Armin calmed himself down, reverting his voice back to a usable state. "No, I think you've made the right choice. Someone like you belongs in the survey corps."

"Are you saying I'm suicidal?"

"Perhaps."

His characteristic grin brandished itself once more, gleaming in the straggling remains of the sunlight. "Yeah, well. I have plans to go far. I want to become a squad leader. I know I messed up when leading others once before, but I'm not going to let that mistake happen again. So don't count me among the dead just yet!"

"I trust you'll make it." Armin smiled, glad that his friend had finally gone back to his true self.

"You're going to go far, Armin."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

'I'm sure you've noticed it, but you're already trusted with a lot by Erwin and Hange. You've definitely gotten more say with plans than any new soldier should. If you keep your brain skills up, you'll end up getting promoted in no time."

"I doubt that." Armin felt his face flush up at the compliment, and he mentally willed it to go away. It was true that it was uncommon for a just-graduated soldier to be acknowledged by their superior officers, but considering the 'exceptional' group the former 104th trainee squad had been, it really wasn't that peculiar that there would be a lot of interaction between levels. These last few days had just proven even more that they needed to have an eye kept on them for everyone's safety, the fact that Armin had been able to use this situation to voice his opinions was just pure luck.

"Come on, don't be stupid. Even if you don't think you're getting promoted, you can still dream, right? Surely a smart kid like you has some goals."

"No, I don't." The answer was sharp, definitive. "My only goal is to do everything in my power to change this world, even if it means throwing away my humanity."

"Oh come on, don't you start getting all depressed on me, now."

"Oh, I'm not sad. I'd be content just knowing that my life was useful, even if it means losing it."

"That's depressing, man."

Jean shifted his position, stretching his injured leg out so that it almost touched the edge of the wall. He leaned his body back onto his arms and gazed up at the night sky which was just becoming visible. A few bright stars had just become barely visible, like a diminishing candle in a dark hallway.

"You should become a squad leader too, Armin."

Armin chuckled.

"No, I'm being serious."

"I'm not a leader-type, Jean. I don't even know how to lead. I'm not good with public speaking; the only time I've ever done it was to save my own life. Even then, my plan had been a failure. The only reason I survived was pure luck that Dot Pixis had showed up and was willing to listen. Otherwise, I would have been shot and killed."

"Yeah, but what about that whole plan with the female titan? I know Erwin took credit for most of it, but you were the one that came up with it, weren't you?"

"Yeah, and that's about it. I came up with a basic plan and Erwin improved upon it. He was the one that acquired all the people and resources and put it into action. He was the one that had talked to all the troops and kept them all in place. He has this power to incite will into others. I could never do something like that."

"Then you should become a tactician."

"A tactician?"

"Yeah, surely you've considered it before."

In truth, Armin had mildly considered the idea before. He had always looked up to those in the military that had both the power and the knowledge to implement a plan. However, he had never let himself become enamoured with the idea, as he did not think he would last that long.

"You get to work alongside a squad leader and basically tell them what to do. Some people are good leaders, but not good planners. Like me."

Armin looked over at Jean with slight shock on his face. "I think that's the first time I've ever heard you say something bad about yourself.

"And it'll be the only time, so don't you dare think I'm getting damn modest."

Armin smirked. "I wouldn't dare."

Jean smiled back. His personality had reverted back to what Armin was used to. This was how he was used to their conversations going; analysis and insults; and it was where he felt the most comfortable.

"So, what do you say?"

"To becoming a tactician?"

"To becoming my tactician."

"...Eh?" Armin snapped his attention back to Jean.

"What, I didn't make it obvious enough? You're the smartest person I know. I may have gotten good grades, but there's no way I can make strategies under pressure like you can. If you become a tactician, I'd be a moron to let you work for anyone else. If you join me, we'll be an unstoppable team. I'll lead others and do the killing, while you be a genius."

"You're being serious about this?" The fact that Jean had said he would be good at it was flattering, to say the least. Eren and Mikasa had told him before that he was good at making plans, but he had been unsure at the moment whether they were being genuine or just friendly. Now though, it felt more real.

"Of course, and you better be serious about this too. You're not meant to sacrifice your life, Armin. You're meant to save it, along with many others. You've saved mine twice now." Jean turned to him, locking eyes when he got the opportunity. His expression had faded once more into seriousness, and Armin wondered if he was going to bring up his self-doubt again. "Listen, I don't exactly know how to say this, but... I care about you, and don't want you getting hurt."

Armin was left unable to respond, or to even grasp the meaning of what was being said. Never since the time when his grandfather was still alive had anyone just outright told Armin they valued his life. Eren and Mikasa were the only two that had ever made him feel wanted since that time, and he had never conceived there would be any others.

"I never said it to Marco... and I'm not going to let that mistake happen twice either. So don't be a moron and let yourself die, got it?"

"S-same goes for you."

Jean wearily stood up, carefully applying pressure on his good leg, and extended an arm out for the shorter boy. He could see those around them leaving as a new batch of Garrison units showed up to take the next shift, which meant they were both now free to go. "So promise me, one day, when we're both older and in higher positions, that you'll accept my offer."

"Hm... Alright." Armin smirked. He could feel the confidence within himself rising. If he had someone like Jean on his side, then perhaps there would still be hope. The world needed more good leaders.

"So you know what this means, right?" The taller one inquired, smugly smiling.

"That I better get used to seeing your criminal face?" The other retorted.

"You mean my criminally good-looking face."

"If you say so." Armin knew there was no point in arguing with Jean, because the guy would never let himself be wrong. Though, in this case, Armin couldn't really say that he wanted to argue.

"So you're going to have to deal with me for a long time, got that, Tactician?"

"Understood, Squad Leader."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for making it this far. If you liked it, feel free to drop me a message. You can catch me on tumblr under the same name.


End file.
